Modern Love

The "M" word

Imagine, if you will, “pleasing yourself” after a long, stressful day. In walks your roommate as you climax.

You begin to make eye contact with them, making the situation more traumatizing for both parties. Now you find yourself in a situation that will stick with you for the rest of yours and your roommate’s lives. Do you want to avoid lifelong emotional scarring? Here are some tips on how to bop it, twist it and pull it when you have a roommate.

The easiest way to go about doing this is to take a shower while masturbating. Your roommate probably won’t think anything of it if you’re showering for 15-45 minutes. Plus, you can wash yourself of any nastiness or guilt you may have.

The best way to do it is to wait until your roommate is asleep. It’s recommended that you wait 10-15 minutes before beginning. You can tell if they’re asleep if they’re snoring or their breathing changes. If you have an insomniac roommate, then just go to the bathroom. You’ll have better luck there.

When they’re asleep, it’s time to begin. Get under the covers and make sure there’s enough space under your sheet near your crotch so it’s not obvious what’s transpiring under the blanket of secrets. It’s recommend that you bend your knee(s). If you have a hard time keeping quiet, bite down on something. Or think about something unattractive, like a chair.

Keep your hand movements simple; whatever works for you is probably fine. Just don’t try something creative because odds are, your roommate will wake up. If you’re really nervous, lay down on your side. It’s a lot easier to cover up like this.

When you finish, just bask in the orgasmic afterglow discreetly. If you just get up or roll over abruptly, then that’s the signal for “I just did something you probably don’t want to know about.” After a couple of minutes, go use the bathroom and dispose of any evidence. It’s late enough that your roommate might believe you if you say “I wasn’t masturbating. You must have been dreaming.”

If this doesn’t work for you, then remember; you have a bathroom for a reason. The main reason we have bathrooms is to relieve ourselves, so utilize that. Just make sure to keep quiet. You don’t want to make it painfully obvious what you’re doing.