Aries: March 21-April 19
You are stupid enough to believe that the relative position of celestial bodies offers highly-specific insight into your meaningless existence.
Taurus: April 20-May 20
You will finally have a crippling existential crisis and stress meltdown as semester’s end approaches. Wait, no, that’s not just you. It’s everybody.
Gemini: May 21-June 20
If you’ve been on the cusp of changing some aspect of your life for a while, now is a scientifically-proven great time to do it. You could hardly get any more disliked through change anyway.
Cancer: June 21-July 22
The name and image of your sign is extraordinarily telling in predicting what is in store for you. Meaning you have cancer, and will soon get crabs too.
Leo: July 23-Aug. 22
Good luck is on its way, but only after a slew of tragedies, mental breakdowns and explosions in your life.
Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22
F**k you.
Libra: Sept. 23-Oct.22
You will experience true love and happiness only after you are finally accepted for who you are by your parents. Which is never happening.
Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov.21
Your dearest friend will throw you a surprise party, but no guests will show up because your closest friend is pathetically your own mother.
Saggitarius: Nov.22-Dec. 21
A life-changing adventure is right around the corner. It will come in the form of the bumper of a speeding bus that cripples you.
Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan.19
Money, love, trust, happiness, success, power and fulfillment will all be yours, but only if you send nudes. Pls.
Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18
You will accidentally witness a mafia murder and be forced to go into hiding with a new identity. Before you leave your old life behind, however, you’ll witness something even worse. You’ll walk in on your parents plowing on the kitchen counter.
Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20
You are destined to be cast into a volcano as a sacrifice this week, but the stars aren’t sure exactly when. It’s probably for the best to just never, ever leave your house again. It’s not like anyone likes you anyway.