SATIRE: Back to the past

Physics professor, student charged with driving near 90 miles per hour on campus

A Ferris physics senior student and retired physics professor were arrested near the North Quad by campus police on charges of reckless driving and possessing nuclear material.

When Ferris and Big Rapids Department of Public Safety officers arrived at the scene, Ferris physics senior Marty MacFarlane and former Ferris physics professor Emmett Black were approaching speeds of 90 miles per hour.

“We heard professor Black from Clark Hall screaming, ‘We’re going back to save the future!’ I was terrified when I heard the car coming down Ives,” Ferris pre-nursing freshman Anna Moore said.

Ferris Department of Public Safety officers Adam Kendrick and Jack Roseau arrested MacFarlane and Black and have detained them in Mecosta County Jail until their arraignment.

“MacFarlane was going 88 miles per hour when officers Kendrick and Roseau arrived,” Ferris DPS Chief Bruce Borkovich said. “In an odd twist, when officers were able to subdue MacFarlane, he asked us what year it is. He also asked if Trump is still president and said something about failing his mission. We’ve notified Homeland Security and the Secret Service based on this information.”

The suspects are being held at the Mecosta County Jail until they’re arraigned on the charges.