SATIRE: Journey to nowhere

Missing freshman found locked in North Hall study room after extensive search

Extensive searches across campus ensued after a freshman student went missing from his dorm after move-in day.

Missing Ferris history freshman Derrick Overland went missing after his parents departed from Big Rapids early Thursday afternoon.

“I wasn’t that concerned but, you know, we were planning to go to Culver’s after we unpacked. You don’t just dangle food in front of a guy and then bail on plans,” said Ferris freshman biology roommate Benjamin Galloway. “I didn’t look for him until someone noticed that he left his stuff outside of our room.”

A search party fanned out across campus comprising of students, faculty and local law enforcement. It turns out that they didn’t have to look far. Overland was found locked in a study room in North Hall after a timely search, staring at a wall while listening to Gregorian monks chanting on his laptop.

Fifteen Red Bull cans littered the room, evident by Overland’s countenance when he was discovered.

“I kind of freaked out after looking at my class schedule. I’ve been downing caffeine all day to stave off sleep, so as you can imagine, I’ve been really wired. I thought the carpet design was moving a few hours ago,” Overland said. “I stared into the academic abyss of my future failures and it stared back.”

Overland was taken to the Birkham Health Center, as he was suffering mild caffeine intoxication. He is expected to make a full recovery in time for the start of fall classes.