SATIRE: Missing morals

Ferris freshman forgets to pack self-respect and dignity on move-in day, will shape college life around the mistake

Everyone forgets to pack at least one thing when moving back to campus.

Ferris undecided freshman Stephanie Balinko was waving a tearful goodbye to her parents as they drove away when her lapse in memory dawned on her.

“I remembered my pajamas, my toothbrush and my favorite hair brush, but I just totally forgot to bring my self-respect, dignity and any sense of the morals that I once held so dear,” Balinko said.

By the time Balinko called her parents to report the forgotten lifelong values they had spent 18 years instilling in her, they were already back on 131-South.

“Sure, it’d be nice if our little Stephie had remembered to bring her moral compass, but it’s not like it’s a necessity. At least she brought along her favorite stuffed animals from childhood,” Balinko’s mother Bridgette Balinko said.

 At press time, the aforementioned treasured stuffed animals were witnessing Balinko attempting to fill the hole left by her forgotten self-respect with hard liquor, hard drugs and a slew of one night stands with douchebags.

“Maybe I’ll remember to bring it back after Winter break,” Balinko said.