SATIRE: Cheap thrills

Black Friday: a day where 50 percent off just isn’t enough

This is either a photo of Black Friday shoppers or a scene from AMC’s “The Walking Dead.” We’re honestly not sure which.

Politeness was tossed aside as Big Rapids residents and Ferris students alike woke at the crack of dawn to buy an abundance of things they, “absolutely had to have.” 

Black Friday, once again, swept the nation like the black plague. Though America’s favorite holiday began Wednesday, the actual Friday of Black Friday began Nov. 24. 

“Geez, I wanted to try my hand at Black Friday this year but what a mistake that was,” Ferris penny-pinching junior Fredrick Rick said. “I woke up at 3 a.m., drove out to Grand Rapids and found that almost everything was almost gone. All that was left was about 100 salt and pepper shakers and who the hell needs that?” 

“I bought 100 salt and pepper shakers for only three cents,” Ferris money management sophomore Kendra Allen said. “It was such a steal.” 

This was Allen’s 17th year going Black Friday shopping. The 18-year-old still remembers her first sale when she helped her mom round-house kick a fellow shopper who was trying to buy up all the Mickey Mouse pacifiers. 

“This is a real bonding experience for my mom and I,” Allen said. “I even bought us matching rings this year which will for sure help fend off the crazy bargain shoppers.” 

Because of the bargain deals, Black Friday is known for bringing a lot of the crazies out not only on the road but in the stores as well. 

“I screamed at a cashier until they cried,” Ferris human resources senior Lisa Kook said. “I mean, I had sales and coupons where everything should’ve been free but they insisted I still owed a 50-cent tax. People are seriously ridiculous on this holiday, just give me the free stuff, damn it.” 

Kook plans to sue the cashier who got in her way of having an excellent Friday. 

“I’m not trying to be rude or anything, I just don’t understand how some people can just be so oblivious to how they treat people,” Kook said. 

Ferris construction freshman and box store manager Bill Quad was one of the unfortunate people who were stuck working the day after Thanksgiving. 

“God, I hate Black Friday, it makes me hate people more than I already do,” Quad said. “I’ve just gotten into the habit of giving them whatever they want, except this year there was this crazy lady that was mad about having to pay 50-cents. I mean, I was just really stern about it and basically told her tough luck. Nobody scares me.” 

Quad proceeded to jump out of his skin as a customer asked him to point them to the nearest bathroom. 

Crazies and cashiers alike, Black Friday will forever be America’s favorite holiday because of all of the unbeatable bargains it offers and the adrenaline it provides. 

“I’ve never felt more alive,” Ferris psychology junior Ashley Ham said, twitching as she held up her new pair of UGG boots she got on sale for $199.99.

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