Build a bed

Are you smarter than a loft kit?

Welcome to Ferris, young freshmen! No doubt you’ve found some very interesting things at our lovely university, but your adventure has already begun in your residence hall room, hasn’t it?

Remember that email or phone call you got earlier in the summer from your future roommate asking if you wanted to go in together and get a loft kit for your room? Maybe you were the one who sent it; but who cares? It’s in the past now. Point is, there you are, move-in day with a loft kit, two hands and a cock sure attitude about putting this thing together.

It sounded like a fairy tale. I know for me, a loft bed was a phantasmagorical universe of being 12 inches away from the ceiling, and having a pirate’s cove underneath. It’s awesome, especially when you can throw things down on the people below you or put your TV on top of your closet where no one else but the people up top can view it. You feel all high and mighty in your kingdom next to the ceiling.

Then the reality sets in: This is no picnic. You’ve got a truckload of crap and no directions. Let me help you: The 2x4s go along the side, vertically. Then attach the cross braces. Onto that, bolt the 2x6s. Then use the remaining wood as bracers to support the weight of you and your roommate. After that, pop in your chunk(s) of oriented strand board (OSB). Sound simple? That’s because it is.

If you can’t put together a loft kit, I’d like you to seriously consider your potential for succeeding in a college atmosphere. Putting a giant wooden box together isn’t rocket science, nor is it a feat of engineering. You’ve probably done it before with Legos, but then again, maybe you were too busy playing Lego Batman instead of actually learning the concepts of geometry and physics. I don’t mean to sound high and mighty, but I am looking down on you from a loft bed, so I’m allowed to.


• Paint the bed before you bring it in.

• Use a staple gun to staple carpet or like material to the posts so they don’t scratch the walls

(and they will, don’t pretend that bed won’t be rocking at some point).

• Bring a rubber mallet, not a hammer.
• Don’t screw the bolts down tight until you’re absolutely sure that’s where they go.
• Ladders are for wimps, or people who are too drunk to climb into bed.
• Speaking of drunk, you’re going to want that optional side rail, lest you should fall. n