You know what’s stupid? Coffee.
Every moment in the life of the average-income, American, teen through mid-twenties white girl can easily be divided into two categories. They spend half their time texting and the other half either waiting in line for or consuming some over-priced, fat-filled, calorie-hogging monstrosity from Starbucks, and it is for this reason that they are the single biggest contributor to the degradation of the human race.
There was a commercial a few years back for McDonald’s, I believe, in which a guy was utterly rude to everybody within his field of vision simply because he hadn’t had his morning cup of coffee yet. I was pissed off when I first saw this commercial because, as a principle, I typically enjoy seeing people have human decency in their everyday lives, but I wasn’t prepared for how it would effectively destroy the lesser-minded of my generation by leading them to think that this is an acceptable way to behave.
If you have no idea how many people think lacking a cup of hot-sludge in the morning is a valid excuse for acting like a complete asshole, then you’re probably one of those people. I’ll clue you in, for your own sake.
If you depend on coffee to make you act like a halfway decent human being, you’re basically the scum of the earth. The only people who are worse than you are those who both act this way and get their coffee fix from Starbucks or Biggby.
We are going to be the first generation to earn less money than our parents did, yet it’s somehow socially acceptable to spend $4 a day – and that’s being generous – on a drink that either tastes terrible or is so filled with creamer, chocolate sauce and whipped topping that it’s more milkshake than coffee.
When I see somebody carrying one of those ridiculous iced-mocha-frappe concoctions, my respect level for them goes down to, at best, a 3 out of 10. And if you’re buying one of these things between classes at four in the afternoon, you should be ashamed of yourself. That’s not me being hyperbolic; you really should feel a significant amount of guilt and shame for this.
You might be drinking a cup of awful right now, as you read this. If you do, please do the world a favor and dump it out – preferably on yourself.
The only benefit of drinking coffee is that it has caffeine in it, which will jumpstart you so you can make it through your 8 a.m. class. No disrespect on this front. As long as you can act like a civilized human being, I’m not going to begrudge you a cup of coffee. Here’s a tip though: make it yourself. You like Starbucks’ coffee? Fine, buy some. They sell it in stores and it’s cheaper than giving money to the corporate machine. Put some whipped cream on it too, for all I care.
If you need your “coffee fix” so much that you’re willing to stand in the mile long line at Starbucks in the middle of the afternoon just to get your greedy little hands on your Whipped Oreo Crumble frappuccino, you’re past the point of needing a kickstart; you’re a victim of serious chemical dependency, in which case I advise you to seek help.
Addiction is both serious and life-altering, and if you find yourself piggishly consuming iced coffee at an uncontrollable enough rate to where your lips can actually form the sentence “I need my coffee,” then you’ve officially hit rock bottom. Life does not get any more pathetic than where you are now.
We live in a generation with increasingly little self-control. The answer to this? Stop drinking coffee.
Invest in a water bottle. Take a cold shower in the morning. Get more sleep instead of spending every night getting blitzed at Shooter’s.
College is a time in your life when you’re supposed to be gaining new experiences, not four years spent looking down the barrel of an iced mocha.
And if you refuse to change, then congratulations. In 20 years you can sit down and tell your children about how you were part of the problem.