Modern Love

Dodging the Cradle Robbers

Enter: college. Exit: the wild assumption that every guy a girl goes out with must be the same age, or risk being labeled as that one slutty freshman sleeping with all the upperclassmen.

One of the beautiful things about college is being able to casually go on a date with a guy a few years older and not have it be a big deal. You’re both mature adults capable of making your own decisions.

Although this may be true, we meek freshmen must also strive to steer clear of whom I like to call the “Cradle Robbers.” You know these guys, the seniors getting a bit too friendly with the just-turned-age-of-consent, no longer considered “jail-bait” freshmen girls.

I’ve come to learn that there is a widely known stigma against freshmen girls. We’re portrayed as the generic, vodka-loving, crop top wearing bunch that every older guy loves. Well thanks a lot, Hollywood.

I hate to break it to you boys, but that stereotype only happens to be true in the movies. Or porn.

If you’re at a party and a random senior you just met wants to go “talk somewhere quieter,” the odds that he genuinely wants to discuss the origin of the Pythagorean Theorem with you are slim to none.

If he uses the phrase, “Let’s get a little more comfortable,” run.

One would think that much of this is common sense, but everyone can use a fresh reminder.

If you receive an invitation from a sketchy older guy to come watch movies all night, my educated guess is that he couldn’t care less what your favorite film genre is.

That’s right ladies who genuinely are interested in older men. His motives are normally not sound. His intentions are inversely proportional to the time of night. The later into the night equals worse intentions.

Following along?

Most likely, he’s seen American Pie 2 a few too many times.

Last, but not least, if an older guy drunkenly calls you at 3 a.m. and asks you to come over, chances are he’s genuinely interested in getting to know you better and he respects you intellectually as a person.

Also, he really does like you “for your personality.”

[Disclaimer: My impressive sense of sarcasm cannot be held accountable for any irrational decisions made by readers.]
So my advice to my fellow freshmen girls out there: have fun with whomever you please. Go out, meet people and be outgoing.

Go on different dates with different guys, and most importantly, be with who makes you happy. Just remember to avoid the Cradle Robbers.