Modern Love

My trip to Fantasies

It’s probably common knowledge that Big Rapids is home to a sex shop called Fantasies Unlimited.

I’ve never been there before, so being the investigative journalist I am, I decided to go on an adventure and explore the unknown.

Immediately when walking in, my first thought was, “Oh, man. This is Christian Grey’s red room of pain.” Except there were penises and naked women everywhere.

I started off by exploring the tobacco smoking products. There was a pipe that looked very similar to the one Gandalf the Grey smoked in the Lord of the Rings. It cost $50 and being the poor individual I am, I decided to not buy it.

Next, I circled around the large collection of sex toys lined up on the walls. All the sex toys came in different shapes, sizes and colors. Some had the most ridiculous names, such as “Old Lady Blow-up Doll” or “Asian P****.” I’m sure that the latter is racist, by the way. They even had electronic dildos. You know, the ones that move around by themselves.

Just as I passed the fists and enormous dildos, I saw something that I never seen before: a two-headed dildo. I thought it was just a myth. I never thought one existed. It looked like two dildos glued together and was roughly two feet long.

In case you’re unaware of what a two-headed dildo is used for, it requires two people and lots of rocking back and forth. If you need more information, Google it.

After that, I went on to the large video section. The clerk working that day estimated there were about 1,800 adult videos in stock. I was astounded. I didn’t even know there were that many porn videos in existence.

I didn’t pay too much attention to them (because contrary to popular belief, I don’t watch porn), but one caught my eye that made me laugh. I don’t remember the title, but it was loosely based off of The Avengers. Kudos to the costume department for that movie because the superhero suits looked really authentic.

Last but not least, I found ice cream. Real ice cream! Not penis shaped or in any way sexual. It was my lucky day, but I found myself asking, “Why is there ice cream in a sex shop?” I didn’t understand. I figured I’d bothered the clerk enough, so I kept my mouth shut.

At the end of my adventure, I left the store empty handed (I don’t trust ice cream from a shop full of penises).