Chat with the chief


We are approaching the end of humanity and I believe that Ferris students are to blame.
Last week I was walking through South Quad, just soaking in my surroundings. Some students were throwing a football around, a couple were strolling down the sidewalk holding hands and a small group of homicidal maniacs spray-painted a decorative design on a pair of large rocks.
That’s right, there are students helping to wind down the doomsday clock right here on campus.
See, the two rocks positioned outside of the aptly named Rock Dining Café have had countless layers of paint applied to them by any number of students with a can of spray-paint and a vision.
According to Rust-Oleum—a popular brand of spray paint—a 12 oz. can is capable of covering approximately 50 square feet of surface. Armed with a borrowed pocket tape measure, I attempted to approximate the surface area of the rocks. Of course, the numbers are less than accurate to say the least due to the rocks’ irregular shapes, but for all intensive purposes they’re close enough so long as they’re taken with a grain of salt.
After crunching the numbers, I came to the conclusion that the sum of the two rocks’ surface area is about 170 square feet I know very little about the dimensions of things, so I have no idea if this is even remotely close. Anyway, based on that measurement, that means that it takes about 3.4 cans to adequately cover the rock in the quad with one coat therefore adding 2.55 pounds per application to its total weight.
If this practice is to continue indefinitely, the rock will continue to grow in both size and mass forever, eventually resulting in global disaster. The towering monolith will block out the sun. People will fall to their knees to praise its sheer immensity as nearby plant life withers and dies due to the lack of sunlight.
Eventually, the rocks would grow larger than the Earth itself. It would displace our usual orbit around the solar system, thus sending us crashing into the sun as yet another RSO attempts to promote their upcoming event by painting details on the rocks in mankind’s final hours.
While the rocks are currently a far cry from being massive enough to end all life on the planet, at this pace it will eventually reach that size. So please, for the sake of all humanity, stop painting the rocks.