Why I am not a dog person

Featuring Cooper

I love animals — dogs, cats, goldfish, pandas, spotted geckos. I even had a pet spider at one point. I love them all, and I would be perfectly happy if my house were a miniature zoo.

The one pet I will never be able to have, however, is a dog. I just couldn’t do it.

I have two pet cats right now, and that is a lot. I can’t imagine taking care of a dog. Cats can at least bring themselves to the bathroom, but with dogs, you continually have to take them outside.

My roommate has this adorable shaky dog, Cooper, and he is the sweetest little thing, but we have issues. For example, one morning I stepped in a heaping pile of doggy doo on my way to the kitchen. Not a great wake up call. This can’t entirely be blamed on Cooper though, because each day without fail, our floor is excreted upon. I should have been looking down, that’s on me, but wait, there’s more.

The other day, I had an early day because a meeting was canceled, and all day long I was thinking about bed and how great napping was going to be when I got home. I walk inside, greeted The President and Icarus (my cats), and made my way up to my room. I lay in my bed, getting all cozy, and what do I find? This little asshole has not only shit on my comforter, no, he also peed on everything. And I do mean everything. Pillows, blankets, headboard — he had to have made multiple trips because there is just no way that Cooper’s tiny body can hold that much urine. It was like he had a personal vendetta against me, I swear to God.

Bathroom complications are not the only reason I am not a dog owner. A few weeks ago during the Polar Vortex, my roommate was at work and I was home due to the snow day, so I decided to be helpful. I let Cooper outside into the backyard to do his business. I went along with my day – feeding my cats, cooking breakfast, washing some dishes – until my other roommate came home for lunch. She walks in the back door and says, “Did you forget something?” in a sort of accusatory tone that threw me off until I saw who was with her. I had let Copper outside and forgot to let the poor thing back in. It had been at least a half hour, and he was so cold; I felt horrible.

This mistake made it apparent that no dog should ever be allowed under my ownership.