Hear me out

I just want someone to help me pay attention

Wake up. Get out of bed to go brush my teeth but on my way there I see my plants and remember that I need to water them.

I go water them and then head to my closet. I sort out my tops to find one that will go well with my mood for the day. I have found the top but remember I need to go brush my teeth. After brushing my teeth I go feed my cat. I get on my phone to answer a few texts but then look down and see I am still in my PJ bottoms.

Back to my closet I go to finish getting ready. I section my hair to curl it but while waiting for my curling iron to heat up I begin my makeup. I go back and forth between my hair and makeup until I am satisfied with how I look.

I go to walk out of my apartment but then I remember I forgot my keys. Inside, up to my room, got the keys then out to my car. I am about to start my car when I remember I forgot to put on deodorant and perfume.

This is a daily “routine” for me.  

From bouncing my leg all through my classes to singing tones out loud while I am at work it hasn’t been a secret to anyone close to me that I have the tendencies of someone with ADHD or ADD. Since I can remember I have always been off in my own world.

Now I am not saying I necessarily have ADHD or ADD; there is most definitely a chance I have something else, but there is a very high chance I do have one of these things.

My mom didn’t want to get me tested when I was younger because she had heard of doctors giving any kid that came into the doctor’s office an ADHD diagnosis. I had a friend when I was in elementary school whose mom took her to a local doctor that was known to give medicine to children who’s parents wanted to keep them calm and mellow. When she was spending the night and forgot her medicine you could see a huge difference in her. She ate regularly and acted like a normal kid, unlike the almost zombie-like nature she usually had. My mother was horrified about this and didn’t want the same to happen to me. So I started doing different techniques to try and force myself to focus

I tried chewing gum, and that usually kept me from talking through class. When I could feel myself starting to daydream in the middle of lectures I would test my memory and see how many things I could remember or how many times the teacher said a certain word or phrase. At work I had to make lists of things I had started so I could remember what I had to finish. I have been able to function semi-decently with these techniques. 

Fast forward to online classes and staying in my room for hours on end. 

I am unable to focus on most of my homework and classes and the anxiety is starting to make a home in my head. Anxiety was another thing I have struggled with but I never felt comfortable enough to seek help. I finally got over my fears and made an appointment to talk to my doctor. My doctor, who I have only gone to a few times since I’d switched from going to a pediatrician, said that I could definitely get on an anxiety medication immediately but it was going to be harder to get help with my potential ADHD. She recommended me to a Licensed Master Social Worker (LMSW). 

The LMSW told me that there was a good possibility that the reason I wasn’t able to focus was due to my anxiety and to give my new meds time to work. I felt like I wasn’t being heard, I had issues with focusing long before I felt anxious over small everyday activities. Looking at my After Visit report they didn’t even state my concerns for not being able to pay attention to my school work. They said that it was just for my anxiety. 

I understand that they are concerned for the over use of Adderall, especially in college students, but I don’t think that should mean I can’t get the help I need. I even told the LMSW that I don’t want medication, just something, anything that will help me in school and work. 

I want solutions. I want to be able to do the things my friends can do without going off into my own world and forgetting what I was doing. I don’t want to have to struggle in my everyday life between school to work to just watching TV. I am tired of the comments made about not finishing the tasks I started at work or my teachers asking why I started a sentence in my paper but didn’t finish it. I have out grown the chewing gum and memorization games and need something else to help.