Editor in chief haunts the office

Energy drinks and coffee keep her heart bouncing into the afterlife

After four years of late nights and early mornings at the newspaper, the ghost of editor in chief Jessica Oakes refuses to leave the office. 

Some from the Arts and Science Commons have reported hearing haunting chants of “Oh, perf,” “That looks gorg” and “This latte is making me feel like God” from room 1016.  

Many speculate that this spirit is what keeps one of the lightbulbs turned on 24 hours a day.  

“She’d been talking about getting out of Michigan forever to go to Florida and now she’s in the office for all eternity? Tough,” Paul Ryder, Oakes’ colleague, acquaintance and potential successor said. 

Custodian Woodbridge Ferris has become well acquainted with the ghost and doesn’t mind the company. 

“It was alarming at first. She has decent music taste, though, so I enjoy my time in the room. All she ever wants from me is a kiwi guava Celsius from the vending machine on Starr’s first floor,” Ferris said.  

Ironically, the ghost of Oakes refused to comment on this piece or speak with the newspaper at all. She must have had enough.