It’s been a very long time since I felt like my hometown was my actual home.
The majority of my past four years have been spent in Big Rapids. Once I moved out of the dorms, I didn’t really feel the need to drive the 40 minutes back home. I had my own place with everything I needed.
Somewhere along the way, I forgot about Sparta, my hometown. Sure, I spent the summer there. But busy work schedules took away any ideas or thoughts of taking in what was around me.
It’s been prophesied by my family that I wouldn’t stick around after graduation, no matter how much they wanted me to. Now, as I come to the end of the road at Ferris, and with that prophecy more than likely the case, I’ve begun to get homesick.
What there is in Big Rapids isn’t much more than what it is in my hometown. I’ve always joked about the similarities, saying that Big Rapids is just like if someone dropped a university in the middle of Sparta.
The two places I’ve spent my life thus far are rural communities with not much to do. So why am I feeling sick about something familiar for the past four years? Why now?
The number of times I’ve been home this year is pretty low. I’m busy, and the work certainly keeps me sidelined in Big Rapids. Now, I wonder if that thought process has been weak and wrong. I could’ve gone home if I wanted to. I could’ve made the time.
This leads me back to the idea of forgetting Sparta. My life has been centered in Big Rapids for around three years. My work and most of my relationships are here. That’s felt like my life here. My own life.
I think everyone dreams of leaving their hometown at some point. I did. I needed something else. Something new. Most of us who have succeeded with that breakup from where we’re from probably found it with college. It’s a necessary bit of independence that we all crave.
But now, I’m tired of Big Rapids. Now, it’s not you. It’s me. I’m craving something new. Living in the same place for this long is like eating the same food every night. It’ll lose its glamour after a while.
I’ve spent my last two weekends in Sparta. That’s not something I’ve done in a long while. I’ve spent my time with friends, family and lounging around my childhood home.
In the past, any home visits haven’t actually felt like home anymore. It felt lonely and made me feel like I could go back up north to do some work. These past few weekends haven’t felt that way. I feel at home again.
As I look back on how much time I haven’t spent at home over the last few years, I feel regret. I feel like, at some point, I turned my back on my hometown in the name of having a “new life.”
I had forgotten my roots in a way. No matter how unintentional it was, I’m rather embarrassed by it. I neglected the place where I grew up. A place that never really did me wrong.
Despite this, I still have a place to go back to. I still have a home. I’m more than thankful for that. For a while, it was weird. I felt like my relationship with my hometown felt strained. I didn’t wanna be there, and I didn’t think I needed to be.
My Big Rapids-related exhaustion has created a refreshing need to be home and want to be home. I’ve missed that feeling.