Last week, during my therapy appointment, I was given news that I struggle with something called depersonalization.
It wasn’t the first time I had heard of depersonalization. I’ve been a fan of singer-songwriter Dodie Clark since 2016, and seven years ago, she posted a video talking about her struggles with depersonalization and derealization.
I realized while watching her video that the feelings she was talking about felt similar to experiences I’ve had before. Growing up with an anxiety disorder, I felt that I wasn’t allowed to have other mental health issues. It wasn’t until I got on medication my freshman year at Ferris that I was given a proper anxiety disorder diagnosis. I was also given a mild depression diagnosis.
I remember that when I had been told that I was also struggling with depression, I didn’t really believe it. I would never invalidate someone for having multiple mental health diagnoses or even self-diagnosing.
Personally, I felt like it was too much to have both. Eventually, after starting therapy, I came around and I started recognizing my depressive behavior, allowing myself to manage it better.
Since then, Clark’s video sharing her experiences has stuck in my mind but I was too scared to bring it up. The only reason I finally got a diagnosis was because my therapist noticed the signs that I was just passing off as anxiety symptoms.
According to the Columbia University Irving Medical Center, depersonalization is described as an “out of body” experience. It’s where a person’s perception of the world, their feelings and themselves is distorted. Oftentimes, this feeling is compared to a dreamlike state that also affects memory. When my therapist worded the reasoning behind my depersonalization, she actually helped me put the way that I was feeling into words.
To explain, I go through both anxiety and social anxiety. Basically, the mess of my mind can get so overwhelming sometimes that my mind cannot physically be in the moment.
This constant thinking causes my brain and body to start feeling like I am not physically present. I also struggle with remembering transitions, from one place to another. Like most, I have my good days and my bad days.
That was the explanation I’ve been needing for so long. I struggle with explaining and making sense of the way I feel, but when I used this explanation to talk to other people about it, those who were listening understood it a little better. I finally felt seen and not like I was crazy.
There’s no cure-all for anxiety or depersonalization. Just like most mental health issues, you can only manage it. But having that diagnosis and having someone to talk to can help you get better at managing the symptoms.
At least now I have a name for the feeling. I can become more aware of how to manage these feelings and minimize the amount of time living in a haze. A feeling that I have been struggling with for years is real. This is common when we see struggles that are invisible to others around us.
When someone is sick, we see physical signs. These physical signs tell those around them that they are not well. When people can’t see an illness because it affects the mind, it’s hard to understand and believe.
Self-diagnosis is important; nobody knows you better than you. If you don’t know what to look for, then how will you know when to ask for help? A diagnosis is, of course, a very helpful step and I encourage those who are seeing familiarity in their symptoms to consult a professional.
I’ve seen this trend of others calling people out for self-diagnosing, calling it a “cry for attention.” However, I question this stance because, if you ask me, it’s just hypocritical.
At one point, all mental health issues were “a cry for attention.” If you’re someone who supports mental health awareness, then you of all people should be the one speaking up for those who had to self-diagnose to get an actual diagnosis.
I write this article to stand up for those who have been silenced over and over. An invisible disability does not mean you should suffer in silence. If you’re someone who’s struggling, no matter what the issue, I see you. I see you and I believe in you.