The other night, my friends and I had an interesting conversation about how everyone we knew was posting photos in relationships.
“How come they get to find happiness and we don’t? What are we doing wrong?” they asked.
All I could do was sit back and think. They really wanted someone to be with, an actual relationship. Yet, when I do my own soul searching, I have no desire to be in that position right now.
Ultimately, I don’t really want to be in a relationship with anyone at this time. I don’t want and girlfriend and I don’t want a boyfriend. Right now I want no part in that. I’ve spent many nights wondering why.
The first reason is that I don’t have a lot of experience being in a relationship. Yes, I went to a dance with a girl in high school and we went and had dinner a few times. But that’s about all I have. So the learning curve I have right now on how to properly take care of someone’s needs would ultimately not be fair to them.
I’m most likely going to say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing, or ignore them at the worst time. I did this a lot growing up, so who’s to say I won’t do this in a normal relationship? Would someone be ok with accepting all the mistakes I’m bound to make in a relationship? Is it fair to ask them to do that?
This leads me to the second issue. Time.
One thing I know is that I don’t have the time to put the proper work into learning and maintaining a healthy relationship with any potential partner. It’s no secret that relationships are hard work, and the last thing I want to do is hurt someone because I don’t have enough time for them. It’s not fair to them in that regard.
I try my hardest to be fair in everything that I do, so it would be hypocritical of me to not be fair to the other person in a relationship with me. They should not be the one who has to do the heavy lifting to keep the partnership going. Yet, right now, I don’t see a way that it wouldn’t go in that direction.
I still feel pressure to get in a relationship, or at least try to be with someone. College is probably my best chance to go out and find a partner. This is my last year here, so this year is my last chance to find someone while here in Big Rapids. Yet, I don’t have the time, nor the desire to risk hurting someone that I care about because I can’t handle a schedule that watches me try to do different things every night of the week.
But what if this is my only chance to be with someone? I doubt I’ll have a lot of opportunities to find a nice person to spend my time with once I get out of here. Most likely I’m going to be moving back home, and while I love my home town, everybody knows me.
Ferris has been my chance to differentiate the adult me from who I was growing up. I’ve become more social, I’m not just the quiet kid who like to make people smile. Not anymore anyways. I’ve done everything I’ve wanted to accomplish here, except find somebody to be with. Maybe that’s one failure I’m going to have to live with to avoid hurting the people I do care about.
I worry that I’m always going to be this way. Placing productivity over personal relationships may lead to material gains, but what’s the point if I have no one to share it with?
Over the course of the next semester, focusing on relationships outside of my inner circle is something that needs to be done.