Loneliness doesn’t depend on gender. It’s a universal experience for everyone. It isn’t some single event or epidemic that men are facing alone.
This is not an article meant to downplay or diminish the social and personal issues that men face. There’s no arguing the fact that there are major complications surrounding those topics. This article highlights the harmful and exclusive nature of the “male loneliness epidemic” being the center of the loneliness conversation.
Loneliness is absolutely a problem in society and has been rising among people for decades. Research shows that both men and women widely experience feelings of loneliness at similar levels. So why is it that men are getting all the attention?
There are many societal, personal and environmental factors that affect the lonely feelings of men and women differently. For men, traditional notions of masculinity and social expectations push them toward creating less emotionally connected friendships and relationships. For women, gendered societal expectations and patriarchal standards can lead to isolation in the lives that they decide to live.
That may seem confusing, but if we look at everyday examples, it can become pretty simple.
Men are taught not to show weakness and vulnerability. It’s less normalized for men to reach out for help or seek comfort from others, whether that be friends, family or partners. This guides them towards a life lacking emotional or intimate connection.
Women are often encouraged to live their lives in certain ways. Usually, it’s: find a partner, get married and start a family. Those who choose to differ from this expected or “normal” path can face isolation when separating themselves from social standards.
Of course, there are also many other factors affecting both men and women, and their discontent with being alone.
Social media creates such vast areas of disconnect between people, welcoming social comparison to others and online communities that stray from traditional interaction. While scrolling or swiping, we expose ourselves to the illusion of community while also consuming media that influences isolation and inadequacy. It’s far from healthy, but it’s also far from being fixed to help us.
Loneliness is also largely subjective and individual. It’s the perceived lack of meaningful connection by a person. It’s not a measure of how many friends you have or if you’re in a relationship. Being lonely involves feeling a sense of yearning for a more fulfilling social life, which can be interpreted in significantly different ways by every individual person.
Your perception matters when it comes to loneliness. Even if you are in what would normally be a rewarding or fulfilling social interaction, if you don’t have the kind of relationship that you specifically want, you can still end up feeling lonely.
Who’s to say that it’s worse for men? Who’s to say that it’s worse for women?
Loneliness is a universal issue, not dependent on gender. So branding this issue as an epidemic just affecting men works to further fracture society and do even more harm.
Enter misogyny. Because loneliness is largely perceived as a male-centered issue, social groups have started to develop ideologies intended to give men a clearer purpose and sense of belonging. The “manosphere,” or online influences promoting toxic masculinity, misogyny and many more dangerous values, is a result of men feeling isolated and alienated from society.
As many men search for community, some are pulled towards online spaces that promise belonging. People have taken this epidemic and turned it into a concerning opportunity.
Loneliness and mental health are incredibly complex and nuanced. Not everybody is influenced to take their negative feelings and turn them on others. Not everybody takes their varying states of isolation and considers it loneliness. Not everybody sees loneliness as a social problem at all.
But that’s the kicker: it’s “everybody” that interacts with the feelings of loneliness. It’s not just men.
Things are changing. Whether it’s for better or for worse depends on which factors are being considered. Many social expectations are being challenged, and men’s mental health is more commonly addressed. At the same time, social media continues to encourage disconnection and harmful influences are easily spread.
It’s hard to say if this universal loneliness will improve as society changes. All that I can argue is that it doesn’t belong to just one gender. It affects everyone, and the work to fix it will too.