Holy ShIrony

A dire call for maturity in an establishment plastered with plasterers

Oh no! Where will the classy go for a twerkin’ when lubricated to the point of ossification?!

The local bar Star Shooters in Big Rapids has decided to limit its age of entrance to patrons who are of legal drinking age.

The owners of Star Shooters hope this will reduce the likelihood of minors drinking in their bar.

Fewer minors drinking could improve the well’s reputation with law enforcement and the community, while reducing the number of minor in possession offenses being doled out in the area. A quiet, ticketless break may have been just what Shooters needed to reconsider its future in this town.

The news about the age shift has some men in the area stricken by fear. A massive decay in potential sex partners is thought to loom, and men have pondered pulling out of the Trojan market during the expected decline in sexual relationships.

A friend of mine feared men may need to try more than their usual grunts and ramblings, particularly about nothing more than themselves, while they listen and discuss items of interest with a female.

The selection may dwindle and competition is expected to incline. No longer can using solely our name and affiliation, for instance “Gerard Butler, I starred in P.S. I Love you,” work in the art of a pick-up.

My friend and I also discussed worries of teasing and blue bojangles, noting an icy southern country’s name for the crotch in this occurrence.

Bar-goers anticipate a fadeless, aged crowd. Some with glee while others dismay.

An older woman I met claimed conversations in the establishment would be worth the effort, since minors will be missing in action. A guy who has something of similar interest to talk about would bring women overwhelming joy.

I choose to be an outlying suitor, who invokes knowledge and devotes life to soul interests – as any ginger journalist must.

Proponents hope young adults realize a moral conscience and begin a life of teetotal, substance-free abstinence.

In reality, an exponential growth in fake ID purchases will likely occur. Skilled users of Photoshop who own a quality camera, scanning equipment and a laptop can easily spike the availability of illicit IDs.

I’m not sure this age restriction will reduce drinking and driving offenses. It wouldn’t be a surprise if this caused an increase in such activity.

A driver can be underage, and driving under the influence, regardless of a bar’s age allowance. Not all underage friends with cars stay sober on the weekend.

We should try to curb the occurrence of drunken driving among friends rather than enabling the behavior, no matter age.

I question if other nightlife establishments in Big Rapids and Michigan will follow Shoots.

Regulars of legal drinking age most likely hope no cover charge is imposed with the absence of minors’ money.

Michigan’s non-party campus may need to host more clandestine soirees for the underage core of campus off campus. Let’s hope this group can learn class before the needed age of entitlement: 21-plus.


As long as the Big Rapids DPS is forcing bars to turn minors in for MIP rather than just kicking them out, this trend will continue. It’s easier to not have them than is it to deal with the police 8-10 times a night.

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