SATIRE: Ask Woodbridge

unnamed-1“I’ve successfully claimed some prime real estate in my lecture hall through the first weeks of class. It’s in a dark corner in the back, so I can sleep through class and the professor hardly even notices! It’s been great so far, but I’m worried that once the semester starts to wear on people, they’ll challenge me for my unofficial assigned seat. How do I prevent seat swipers?”

– Back Row Bro

Your first plan of action should be to take the animal kingdom route. In the wild, it is customary to urinate on one’s property in order to claim ownership. So do that.

If that doesn’t work, eat a can of beans every day before class. As everyone knows, beans are the magical fruit and the more you eat, the more you toot. The constant flatulence emerging from your rectum will repel your competition.

If pissing and farting doesn’t work, the last option you have is to use your mechanical pencil to dig a chasm to the center of the earth to serve as a barrier around your seat. Watch as the pitiful potential seat-stealers fall to their fiery deaths.

– Woodbridge

“I’m really having a hard time adjusting to my new professor. Her teaching style is rather robotic, and her movements autonomous. Honestly, I’m a bit worried that she’s some kind of experimental android, and even more worried about my grade.

It’s gotten so bad that I even briefly considered trying to sleep my way to a passing grade, but there’s one fatal flaw in that plan. Robots can’t feel love, Woodbridge. THEY CAN’T FEEL LOVE.

My plea isn’t that she’s fired, (or has her battery removed, depending on the validity of this android theory), but that I can just manage to scrape by with at least a C+. What can I do to help my chances?”

– Me actually, in real life

Bring your professor a steaming mug of motor oil every day before class to grease her gears and get you on her shiny side.

Sleeping your way to a C+ is not a bad idea. While robots cannot feel love, this does not mean they can’t feel pleasure; however, since you are human and she is a robot, it would not end well for you. Trust me on that one—Ferris has been employing robot professors since I founded the university (we hardly have to pay them anything, but that’s another story). Screwdrivers, wrenches and hammers are all pleasing to the average mechanical female. When in doubt, just put it in her tailpipe.

As a last resort, there is nothing robots love more than the destruction of the human race. If you’re really set on getting a C+, offer the professor your life as payment. You’ll be dead, of course, but at least you’ll have that C+!

– Woodbridge