SATIRE: Horror-Scopes

Aries: March 21-April 19
This month is a good money month for you. Go to
a casino and put ALL your money on black.

Taurus: April 20-May 20
Two words: food poisoning. Avoid Mongo at
all costs.

Gemini: May 21-June 20
Do not attempt to join Greek life. The stars say it’s
because you’re two faced.

Cancer: June 21-July 22
You’re just a number to this university, not a

Leo: July 23-Aug. 22
Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be a failure?
Give it a couple weeks and you will.

Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22
Don’t give up! The stars say you might make a
friend this month!

Libra: Sept. 23-Oct.22
Maybe college just isn’t for you.

Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov.21
Love just isn’t in the air for you this month.
On second thought, it’s not looking much
better next month either.

Saggitarius: Nov.22-Dec. 21
Look, I think we should just be friends.

Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan.19
Your crowning achievement is that you
were the fastest sperm cell. That’s it.

Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18
Please just stay inside this month. All the stars are saying

Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20
Your friends don’t really like you, they just
pity you.