In the Center for Virtual Learning’s latest catastrophe, a swarm of bats fell through the ceiling and surrounded Ferris’ DI esports team.
After knocking a virtual reality headset off of a sophomore, one bat transformed into Vandercook the Vampire in disgusting Animorphs fashion.
“Once I got my glasses back on, I saw this thing that looked like a bat start yelling ‘What the hell is this place? Why is it a glass box? Where is my hall?’ I can’t even put into words what happened next,” esports team captain Lorem Ipsum said.
The spirit inside the bat was none other than Vandercook, the namesake of the residence hall that once stood next to FLITE which was a perfectly reasonable place for a hall to be.
Immediately following the attack, the vampire returned to bat form and flew south. The Tire Fire was still able to land an exclusive interview.
“I don’t know what esports are, let alone why they’re more important than my legacy,” Vandercook said.
Victims and witnesses were terrified. Vandercook does not want the public to view him as “vengeful” after the incident.
“Listen, I know how it looks. Bats, vampires, blood. I swear I’m not a violent guy. But put anyone in my situation: my name is gone, and they did what to the UC?” Vandercook said.
A source close to the Tire Fire who wished to remain anonymous reported seeing Brutus the Bulldog run in the opposite direction once things got bloody.
“Don’t print a word of what that dog says. He’s a fearmonger and he never liked me,” Vandercook said.
Brutus was not available for comment and is reportedly still hiding under a shock blanket. Paramedic Garrett Zack treated the dog for an hour.
“He wasn’t even injured. I had ten TDMP kids bleeding on game controllers, but Brutus would not let me leave his side until the area was confirmed bat-free,” Zack said.
University President Mr. Dr. Sr. William Orange released a TikTok following the atrocity.
“Bulldogs, let’s remember to be friends with everyone. Even dogs and bats,” Orange stated in the video.
After chewing through hundreds of cables and crashing into Ferris’ most expensive computers, the bats caused $5 million worth of damage. This was less than one twentieth of the budget for the important, necessary, state-of-the-art building.
Donations for the victims’ medical expenses will be added to every student’s ebills, now easily accessible through Ferris360. For clarification, that is 360.ferris.edu. Ferris360.com will send you to a gym in Toronto.
Donations for the victims’ medical expenses will be added to every student’s ebills, now easily accessible through Ferris360. For clarification, that is 360.ferris.edu. Ferris360. com will send you to a gym in Toronto.