Following the robbery of the blood bank in Big Rapids and the disappearances of Ferris’s world-renowned garlic farmers, rumors of a certain vampiric variety have begun to spread.
The rumors have only been strengthened by an outbreak of neck pain, exclusively by members of the Ferris State Torch. When Tire Fire reached out to editor-in-chief Dylan Rider for comment on the ailments, the newspaper boss blurted out, “I’m no vampire. Why do you ask?”
When the university’s YikYak allegations that Rider was indeed a bloodsucker were brought to Torch employees, one said “he’s already a pain in our necks figuratively, it’s totally unfair that it’s possibly literal now too.”
Art and science commons janitors furthered the theory by complaining that Rider is in the building until the “ungodly hours of the morning.”
A Tire Fire investigative reporter set up shop outside the Torch office to prove or disprove the janitors’ claims. At roughly 2 a.m., Rider waltzed out of the office, slamming a Taco Bell cup full of a red substance.
When confronted about vampiric claims, the editor in chief snapped, stating that “the only bloodsucking that happens at this university is when Ferris releases a semester’s tuition bill.”
Rider declined to comment further but asked Tire Fire not to stake out the office since he’s got an aversion to the phrase as a whole.
With no clear answers and a vampire possibly at large, Tire Fire asks its readers to make like Wu-Tang Clan and “Protect Ya Neck.”