Every new moon, the Department of Public Safety has to be on red alert. Rumors have begun to spread that Billiam Pinkham, Bill Pink’s lost twin brother, returning to Ferris State’s campus. An external investigation was launched, as much of DPS has been tasked with ticketing the campus parking spots.
The investigation started with the men’s hockey team. The team has widely attributed Pinkham for their lackluster season. Sophomore forward Junior Senior recalled the allegation.
“Our pucks have felt like they were filled with lead,” Senior said. “That’s why we haven’t been able to surpass one win this season. It’s impossible to score goals.”
Once asked how the other team was able to still score, Senior declined to comment and proceeded to walk away.
A poll from the investigation stated that 89% of Ferris students believed the widespread smell of marijuana in the resident halls was caused by Pinkham. After reaching out for a comment from Ferris Housing, a representative stepped in, denying all rumors of Pinkham’s existence.
“No level-headed student should believe this.” The representative said. “They should, like, read a book or something.”
We urge you to contact (555) 776-6591 (SPOOKY1) with any tips. It is highly recommended to get a search party to investigate, with the sole purpose of splitting up later.