SATIRE: Ask Woodbridge

“Over summer break my parents got a new puppy and he’s just the cutest thing on the planet. Of course, the timing is terrible because now I have to leave home to go back to school, where I’m not allowed to keep a dog as part of my apartment’s lease agreement. I miss my dog so much. What can I do?”

– Dogless Debra

Kill the human competition and keep the dog. This may sound like an extreme response to your problem, but hear me out. 

Dogs are hardwired to belong to a pack. That pack is led by an alpha male and female. Right now, your parents are top dogs in the pack in the puppy’s eyes so they’ve earned his loyalty, love and respect. You’re nothing to him and you’ll never be anything to him unless you overthrow your parents. 

So I repeat: kill your parents, take the dog and take no shit from your landlord about a no pet policy. You’ve already got blood on your hands. That homicidal glint in your eye will command obedience from any who attempt to stand in the way of your puppy cuddles. 

– Woodbridge

 

 “I’ve been an honor student all my life and breezed right through high school without even trying. Still, all I hear about is how college classes are so much harder and it’s making me really nervous. I’ve become so used to bringing in A’s with minimal effort that I’m not sure I’ll even know how to study. What can I do to make sure I’m ready for a college curriculum? I’m willing to do anything except read, do homework or visit my professors’ office hours. Because who has time for that?”

– Pete in Puterbaugh

College isn’t that much tougher than high school as long as you keep the following pointers in mind:

     1. Get some Adderall.

     2. Lower your expectations.

     3. Become the type of friend that your classmates will allow to cheat off their exams and homework.

     4. Seduce your professors.

     5. Cry a lot.

– Woodbridge

 

 “I was just wondering why you so enjoy offering sarcastic advice to struggling students. Also, how is it even possible, given the fact that you died in 1928?”

– Woodbridge Ferris

This may be a bit too meta. I’m not sure the readers will appreciate the breaking of the fourth wall here. Consider revising.

– Woodbridge

 

Submit questions to fsutirefire@gmail.com for a chance to see Woodbridge N. Ferris give you personalized advice.