SATIRE: How to build the perfect relationship

There are a variety of strategies used to attract a mate in this desolate wasteland of romantic angst that we call college. The ways in which people date and approach relationships have changed greatly over the past years, but lucky for you there are a number of foolproof tactics to find your Bulldog prince or princess.

1. Look for love on Yik-Yak. There really is no better outlet than an anonymous gossip forum.

2. Dating someone new? Just look through their texts while they’re sleeping. You’ll learn a lot.

3. Only display affection publicly and through intense physical contact.

4. Always talk about your exes, everyone loves to be compared to previous relationships.

5. If you start to argue about something important, just have sex. That solves everything!

6. Text your significant other CONSTANTLY. Who knows what they could be doing when they’re not responding to you?

7. In fact, if they don’t reply, it’s okay to text their friends and family to verify their whereabouts.

8. Post pictures on social media to validate your relationship. If it’s not on Instagram, did it really happen? Below are some success stories from students practicing these tried and true techniques:

“On Sept. 30, 2015, my life changed forever. While eating lunch with the other PGM guys I posted my daily plea on Yik-Yak requesting ‘Netflix and chill’ when, out of nowhere, blue sandal weaved her sweet siren call in a comment, ‘M or F?’

It was at this point I knew that I had met the love of my life. After informing a friend of my plans, just in case, I met blue sandal in an obnoxiously obvious and public location. Three months later, she has dropped out of college and purchased her maternity wedding gown. Although our families won’t talk to us anymore, we couldn’t be happier. Thank you, Yik-Yak,” Charles Flusterburgh said.

“A few months ago, my boyfriend and I were going through a bit of a rough patch. We fought all the time, about everything, and his family absolutely hated me. But then somebody gave me the best relationship advice ever: to distract him from the foundational problems in our relationship, just immediately initiate sex. Wow, did it work! Admittedly, I’ve had 34 UTIs since then, and I now have to purchase extra-super-absorbent tampons, but our relationship is better than ever,” Nancy Jaegerstein said.