SATIRE: Ferris undeterred by obvious danger weather presents

This week marks the 97th anniversary of the last time Ferris State canceled classes due to inclement weather.

Of course, in that span the students have faced blizzards, mountains of snow and hypothermic subzero windchills, but the university prides itself on providing education even in the face of the obvious danger that walking to class on such days presents.

“It’s not really that bad,” says Ferris marketing senior Delbert Gutierrez. “Around this time of year people walking to class tend to get frostbite and have chunks of their fingers and toes fall off. Walking on the severed pieces of flesh really helps the rest of us to maintain traction and not slip on the ice.”

Ferris recognizes that students  walking across campus in the frozen tundra that is Big Rapids are at risk, so in an attempt to mitigate that risk, the majority of on-campus housing is centralized near academic buildings. Wait, no it isn’t.

Well at least there are plenty of parking spaces near buildings where classes are held allowing everybody to get a good spot so students won’t have to be overexposed to frigid conditions walking through parking lots. Actually, never mind. That one isn’t true either.

“I actually chose Ferris for its winters and steadfast refusal to cancel classes,” said Ferris plastics sophomore and former rebel soldier that served on the ice planet Hoth. “It really shows persistence and dedication. Plus the conditions are basically the exact same as my home planet Hoth, if not colder.”

According to university administrators, Ferris is hoping to  eventually top the world record of 129 years without calling off class. The previous mark was set by a Catholic school during the Middle Ages, though its doors remained open primarily because its student body consisted of refugees that were forced to attend as a result of the Spanish Crusades.