SATIRE: Horror-scopes

ZodiacAries: March 21-April 19

If you’re reading this, it’s already too late.

Taurus: April 20-May 20

Your Aquarius friends are facing a difficult bout of turbulence. Help them to stay grounded by planning a surprise party for them! Make sure they don’t catch on to the plan!

Gemini: May 21-June 20

Have you ever had the world rupture beneath your feet and spew molten rock as the demons of hell drag you screaming into the underworld? No?! Well you’re long overdue. Watch out this week.

Cancer: June 21-July 22

Play the following numbers in the lottery. 3-8-23. I can’t promise you’ll win on them or anything, but that is the date of your inevitable, painful death.

Leo: July 23-Aug. 22

You shouldn’t have done that thing that you did, but now it’s too late because you already did that thing that you did. You don’t have much time left.

Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22

Members of ISIS will join and take over your RSO, but you’ll be too focused on building your résumé to quit, resulting in you joining their ranks.

Libra: Sept. 23-Oct.22

You know how they say everybody has a doppleganger? Well yours just committed seven murders, and you’re going to take the fall for it.

Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov.21

Your dreams of stardom will come true when you appear on the evening news after a heroin junkie lights you on fire.

Saggitarius: Nov.22-Dec. 21

Your parents will finally admit that you are adopted, right before they try to give you back.

Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan.19

She’s pregnant.

Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18

Every Taurus you know is conspiring against you. They are always watching and nowhere is safe. Don’t trust them. Try to get the upper hand by playing dumb until you have the opportunity to strike first.

Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20

You’re going to have your tongue ripped out by coyotes, then have your eyeballs stung by wasps until they swell and explode. Following those minor setbacks, you’ll find a long-forgotten five dollars in that pair of jeans you haven’t worn in months. So that’s cool.

Not happy with your sign? Check out last month’s horror-scopes here: