SATIRE: Student injured while sexting in driving simulator

A Ferris State student caught himself in his zipper after crashing into a school bus while sexting in the distracted driving simulator that was set up in the UC on Wednesday.

Ferris DPS officer Sean Kerry found confused and distraught Ferris political science sophomore Xavier Jamestown wandering around near the Center for Leadership in the University Center Wednesday after an apparent crash in the distracted driving simulator.

“All of a sudden, we heard high pitched screaming coming from where the simulator is,” said Ferris marketing senior Chelsey Schneider. “My friends and I were horrified. We thought someone was being attacked.”

Kerry discovered during his investigation James had been sexting with the simulator and was trying to send a dick pic when the student’s simulator car crashed into a school bus full of kids.

Upon further investigation, Kerry determined James was in agony because when he crashed into the bus, “his jimmy had become jammed in his zipper.”

“He was crying and said the bus came out of nowhere. At first, we were really confused,” said Ferris DPS sergeant Sean Smith. “Then we realized he had his beans above his frank.”

The simulator was shut down to minimize further incidents.