SATIRE: Horror-scopes

Zodiac Aries: March 21-April 19
I hope you weren’t too attached to your arms, because they’ll be blown off in a terrible microwave accident this week.

Taurus: April 20-May 20
Don’t try to go back home. Your parents have changed the locks and are turning your bedroom back into an office.

Gemini: May 21-June 20
The condom in your wallet is about to expire, but it’s okay because you’re not getting laid any time soon anyway.

Cancer: June 21-July 22
That person sitting across the dining hall will notice you creepily staring at them, spark up a conversation with you and you’ll be going to pound town by the end of the night. Kidding. That never happens. Stop doing it.

Leo: July 23-Aug. 22
We took a nationwide poll and concluded that nobody loves you, but if you post a picture of this you might get Yak famous so everything’s not so bad, see?

Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22
Have you ever seen “The Shawshank Redemption”? Great movie, right? Man, I just love the casting in it, especially Morgan Freeman. He nailed that role. Oh yeah, also there’s a parasite currently eating its way through your cerebrum.

Libra: Sept. 23-Oct.22
Just do the damn dishes already so your roommate will stop whining about it.

Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov.21
A Scorpio?! Ick. Left swipe.

Saggitarius: Nov.22-Dec. 21
Your friends all agree that your trips to the gym have really been producing results! You’ve become 160 percent more douchey and reek of body odor three time as often as you once did!

Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan.19
A couple of guys who are up to no good will start making trouble in your neighborhood. You’ll get in one little fight and be sent to live with your Auntie and Uncle in Bel-Air. Wait, no. That’s the storyline to “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.”

Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18
The company of your dreams will pass on you for the internship in favor of someone way hotter.

Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20
Whoa, are these fish 69’ing? Sick.