SATIRE: Inclusion for all?

Needs of lesbian alligators ignored again

Screen Shot 2016-02-23 at 10.09.42 PMRecently Ferris has spent our tuition money on a consultant to audit how well Ferris values diversity and inclusion. I am all for people feeling comfortable in their own skin. Do what makes you happy, I say. But do you know what makes me unhappy? Not being able to find a bathroom that accommodates my unique identity, not having a nearby swamp to swim around in and not being able to take notes in class due to my lack of fine motor skills.

Gender neutral bathrooms are definitely a step in the right direction. Transgendered people no longer have to worry about getting weird looks when nature calls. But I still have to worry. See, I identify as a lesbian alligator and when I need to go to the bathroom all I see are signs for men’s and women’s bathrooms. No lesbian alligator commodes in sight.

What can be done about this? Well the clowns in charge of creating an environment comfortable for everyone need to get their heads out of the sand. We lesbian alligators are here, too, and our numbers are growing.

We have published a list of demands, we have handed out pamphlets and we’ve gone so far as to paint the rock green, our official color. But our actions have still gone unnoticed by the folks upstairs. What can we do to get our voices heard? WE ARE HERE! And we demand justice. Lesbian alligators are people, too.

I guess when we learned the national anthem in grade school they left out the part at the end saying, “Liberty and justice for all… Except lesbian alligators.” Take a walk in our shoes (we don’t actually wear shoes, it’s just a figure of speech) for a second and imagine what life is like for a lesbian alligator. I can’t marry my lesbian alligator life partner, we can’t go to class and sit in a normal desk and The Rock refuses to put whole raw chickens on their menu to accommodate our dietary needs. Shameful.

Some of you reading this may be thinking, “But lesbian alligators, don’t you think it may be a bit expensive to comply with your every wish? I think putting a large swamp in the Quad, providing free dead deer and insisting that nobody tight-rope walk over said swamp is a bit unreasonable.” To that I say, how dare you put a price on our happiness.

I’m sure we are not all on the same page. Privileged, cisgender, white males just cannot understand the plight of lesbian alligators. Don’t try to help us, don’t try to empathize, we don’t need your “help.” Just don’t stand in the way of our justice. We do bite. Hard.

Torch Editor in Chief responds to displeasure with this article here.