SATIRE: The Quad goes vegan

Dining hall general manager responds to popular demand from suggestion box

The Quad Café is going vegan.

The Quad’s general manager, Olga Crumcakes, reported in the Feb. 2016 university-wide notice that the Quad will be making a green transformation into a vegan dining facility over the next month.

“I put a suggestion box inside the Quad when it opened more than a year ago,” said Crumcakes. “To be honest, I completely forgot about it until last month. When I read the 12,786 suggestions, the two that appeared most often were that the Quad should go vegan and that there should be an open bar inside.”

Crumcakes said administration turned down the second suggestion but approved the vegan renovation.

Food and beverage stations that don’t use any animal products will replace all the current stations inside the Quad, with the exceptions of the lettuce and fruit offered at Helen’s Garden and the water machine.

The first installment of vegan food stations in the Quad will be:

Woodbridge’s Juices
Brutus’ Kale Bar
Fresh Ferris Water
Brophy’s Blackbean Burger Bistro
Non-Dairy, Non-Fat, Non-Sugar Desserts

President David Eisler is still deciding on the stations that will follow, but encourages students to submit their nominations to the very suggestion box that brought about the revolution in Ferris dining.

Ferris pre-pharmacy senior Jon Johnson is excited for the Quad’s transformation.

“I’ve been vegan for six days now,” said Johnson. “I feel so alive but I’m tired of having to drive to Grand Rapids every time I want a delicious meatless, dairy-less, fish-less, egg-less, honey-less, fur-less meal. I’m stoked for the Quad to reinvent itself by going vegan.”

Ferris graphic design freshman Nikki Ross doesn’t share the excitement about the Quad’s impending veganism.

“I’m pissed,” Ross said. “I wanted the open bar.”

The Quad will reopen March 22, 2016 when renovations are complete. Until then, vegan students are encouraged to continue making the trek to Grand Rapids for all of their consumption needs while also telling every new person they meet that they’re vegan within the first two minutes of interaction.