SATIRE: Ask Woodbridge

Submit questions to for a chance to see Woodbridge N. Ferris give you personalized advice.
Submit questions to
for a chance to see Woodbridge N. Ferris give you personalized advice.

“I’m in love with my roommate’s boyfriend. We brushed hands once, and I really felt a spark between us. I don’t know what to do. Should I tell him? Should I tell my roommate? I can really see a future with this guy. Sometimes I fantasize that something terrible will happen to her so that I can make him fall in love with me.”
– Romantic Roommate

First of all, chill the hell out. What kind of person falls in love with their roommate’s boyfriend? And over a simple brushing of hands? You’re obviously insane.

Do not tell him how you feel. Do not tell anyone how you feel. In fact, collect all copies of this and light it on fire. Do you want your roommate to smother you in the night? I can guarantee that’s what she’ll try to do if you tell her.

But hey, in the off chance that something terrible does happen to her, then make your move, sister.
– Woodbridge

“My ex is trying to come back into my life. He started texting me out of the blue a few weeks ago. I don’t know why he’s talking to me again or what I should do about it. Is he just lonely and looking to hook up? Does he want to get back together?”
– Addled Ex-girlfriend

Obviously, you should sleep with him. Let’s be real here, that’s all he really wants. This will cause all those old feelings to reemerge, and when he tells you he doesn’t want to get back together, you will, of course, become distraught. However, your emotional distress will cause you to lose approximately five pounds, and that’s the real priority here, isn’t it?

It is likely that your recent weight loss will lead to a new confidence. Perhaps this new confidence will attract new mates. Sleep with all of them. Show your ex you don’t give a shit.
– Woodbridge