SATIRE: Horror-scopes

Aries: March 21-April 19
Get out now, while you still can.

Taurus: April 20-May 20
Your acceptance into grad school is actually just a long-developing epic April Fool’s prank.

Gemini: May 21-June 20
You’re smart, attractive and your laugh is absolutely infectious! Literally, because you’ve contracted the plague.

Cancer: June 21-July 22
All that time you spent learning Spanish is never going to pay off.

Leo: July 23-Aug. 22
The complexity and depth of your amazing personality are rivaled only by your beauty. Oops! Take that that back. The stars were actually talking about Virgos here.

Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22
The stars changed their minds. You’re dumb and gross too.

Libra: Sept. 23-Oct.22
No matter how hard you work in school, or how successful you are in your career, you’ll still be the fattest person at your high school reunion.

Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov.21
Next Tuesday you’ll breathe in oxygen, exhale carbon dioxide, then burst into multi-colored flames spontaneously.

Saggitarius: Nov.22-Dec. 21
You’re incredibly attractive, but only to lions, and only because they want to consume your flesh. Avoid the plains of Africa at all cost.

Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan.19
You’ll accidentally slip into a wormhole which will transport you to another dimension. This new dimension will be exactly parallel to ours, with the only difference being that at least one person will like you.

Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18
Have you ever heard of “urethral lesions?” Well you might want to start doing some research, because the stars predict it’s right around the corner for you.

Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20
You’re a special snowflake! Sure, there are 7.125 billion people that also live on this planet, but not all of them survived a botched abortion like you did!