SATIRE: Professor from hell

Ferris English professor confirmed to be she-devil

Many Ferris students struggle with difficult professors—whether it be with tough assignments, favoritism, or a crippling sense of hatred and worthlessness—but what do you do when your professor is a real-life she-devil?

After several complaints to the College of Arts and Sciences Dean last month, the university has confirmed that Karin Demonica, a professor of English, is actually a she-devil.

“I knew something wasn’t right when she told us that if we didn’t have our homework done she was going to damn our souls to an eternity in hell,” Ferris social work sophomore Katie Owens said.

According to Ferris engineering junior Thomas Melbatoast, he had to withdraw from her class because of the emotional damage it caused.

“I couldn’t handle it,” Melbatoast said. “I had nightmares about her murdering me because I didn’t care enough about an assignment.”

Another student, Ferris biology senior Sean King, said that Demonica actually lit him on fire for being 30 seconds late to class.

“I’m not kidding,” King said. “She looked at me, became enraged and then suddenly, I combusted. I will never be late again. I’ll also never walk again.”

“I’m just preparing these snot-nosed brats for the real world,” Demonica said. “They don’t realize how hard their careers are going to be; not every professor is as honest and helpful as I am.”

There have also been reports that Demonica summons demons during her office hours and sacrifices students who fail her class.

“Professor Demonica is the worst professor I’ve had at Ferris. She says that she’s preparing us for the real world, but the real world won’t be like this unless Trump becomes president,” said Ferris automotive freshman Britney Spheres.

“Frankly, I hope she goes back to where she came from,” said King.

Although many complaints about Demonica have been reported, the university has no current plans to remove her from the department. Regardless of the fact that “she’s a horrendous villain who makes students want to drop out and hang themselves,” Spheres said.