SATIRE: City of Big Rapids to adopt new slogan

Vote to be held next Tuesday

Cities across the United States commonly adopt official slogans. It is part of their identities. When we hear “the Windy City,” images of Chicago come to mind. “The Big Apple” inspires visions of New York. “The City of Brotherly Love” reminds us of San Francisco, though the correct answer is Philadelphia.

In an effort to improve the city’s appeal, the Big Rapids city commission will adopt a new town slogan following a vote next Tuesday. The city has previously used such monikers as “Come grow with us” and “Industry, recreation, education” on official documents and websites, both mottos having been borrowed from the West Michigan Marijuana Growers and Smokers Foundation.

“Right now the city is facing what we call an image problem,” said Co-assistant vice mayor Gum Chumley. “New residents are arriving in Big Rapids only to learn the rapids really aren’t all that big. They’re moving out as fast as they moved in.” Tuesday’s ballot is to feature the following three slogan ideas that were chosen by the city commission from a field of fifteen suggestions:

– Big Rapids: Home of three Subway restaurants
– Big Rapids: There’s [sic] a lot of dog statues
– Big Rapids: Nearly college kid-free for three months of the year

Once adopted, the new official city slogan will appear on city stationary, the city website and welcome signs entering the city. Replacing everything with the new motto should only cost taxpayers around $8 million.

“My favorite is the Subway one,” said Chumley. “I really dig those sandwiches. Plus, I’m banking on free footlongs for life if that slogan wins, so it’s definitely got a good shot if you know what I mean.”

Other popular slogan ideas that didn’t gain enough support to make the ballot include “Big Rapids: Grander than those other rapids” and “Big Rapids: Jesus died here.”