SATIRE: Ask Woodbridge

Submit questions to for a chance to see Woodbridge N. Ferris give you personalized advice.

“Hey Woodbridge, I just finished touring your school. I must say, I’m impressed. The atmosphere was amazing, I was given a yellow bag full of goodies and I loved The Rock and will definitely never get sick of the food there for as long as I live! However, I’m still not totally decided on where I’d like to go to school for the next four years. So what makes Ferris the best choice?”
– Undeclared Claire

Well, as the founder of this university, I should probably tell you a bunch of things that make Ferris great, but I like you kid, so I’m going to be honest.

Ferris is a great place if you like nearly being hit by a service vehicle on the way to class in the morning. Totally come here if you want to get a parking ticket every other day without knowing that you were doing anything wrong. Send in your housing deposit right this instant if you want to live in a dorm room that isn’t air conditioned, was last furnished in the 80’s, is made out of cinderblock and asbestos and has a bathroom door that you can’t lock from the inside.

What else can I tell you… The Market’s hours suck, you’ll spend $200 on a textbook that you’ll never open, the health center will tell you that your sprained ankle is really syphillis and you’ll never be able to watch Netflix again because the WiFi blows.

Hope to see you in the fall.
– Woodbridge

“I’m among the few students staying on campus for the summer, and was just wondering what I could do to pass some time around Big Rapids. All of my friends left for home, and I’ve only got six credit hours, so my schedule is pretty much wide open. How can I keep from going insane out of sheer boredom?”
– Bored in B.R.

Donate your body to a cryogenics lab! This can result in two possible outcomes. Either you’ll wake up in late August refreshed and ready for a new fall semester, or your frozen corpse will serve as a chilling reminder to mankind that humans should never play God.

If that’s not your speed, you could also pick up a job working within Ferris’ expansive coal mines. The long, sweaty hours will occupy almost your entire day and have you swimsuit ready in no time! Plus chicks totally dig the element of constant danger that you’ll be working in. There are plenty of openings since that explosion and collapse last w—err… recent renovations to the workspace have really spruced the place up! Apply today, and tell them I sent you.
– Woodbridge