Aries: March 21-April 19
Your life will be full of ups and downs. Actually, no it’s literally just downs.
Taurus: April 20-May 20
Your dog ran away not because he is curious and adventurous, but because he doesn’t like you.
Gemini: May 21-June 20
Don’t even check your final exam grade. You know you failed.
Cancer: June 21-July 22
That thing doesn’t look normal. You should definitely get it checked out by some kind of specialist.
Leo: July 23-Aug. 22
People say they’ll keep in touch with you over the summer, but in reality you’ll be lucky if they even remember your name next fall.
Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22
Your next haircut is going to suck. Mainy because it will come as a result of a bizarre lawnmower accident.
Libra: Sept. 23-Oct.22
Uranus is aligning with your star system, which means a great week is in store for you! No wait, that’s your mom’s anus. It just means she’s stripping again.
Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov.21
You will an incurable, oozing rash through contact with this newspaper (or keyboard if you’re reading electronically).
Saggitarius: Nov.22-Dec. 21
Something big is right around the corner. Surprise! It’s your first alimony payment. That’s right, the baby is yours.
Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan.19
The appearance of Jupiter in your system confirms that you totally peaked in high school, it’s all downhill from here.
Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18
A new opportunity will present itself and excite you. Just remember, autoerotic asphyxiation can be dangerous for rookies.
Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20
The stars don’t find you worthy of their prophecies.