SATIRE: Why are you reading?

Total weirdo reads the Torch even though they aren’t featured in it

In the age of social media and Buzzfeed, newspapers have been left behind in favor of smartphones by nearly all. Well, all except the total freaks on the fringes of society, that is.

Ferris business administration junior Morgan Krombowitz was spotted reading the latest issue of the Torch in the University Center on May 3, despite the fact that neither she, nor any of her friends were featured in any of the week’s stories.

“I used to like Morgan. I thought she was a pretty fun person, which is why this behavior is so unlike her,” Krombowitz’s acquaintance and Ferris technical communications sophomore Dalton Holtby said.

“I mean I could see reading a newspaper if you’re in it, but this is just crazy. Doesn’t she realize she’s in public?”

“The Torch? What’s that?” said Krombowitz’s roommate and Ferris plastics engineering senior Caroline Crawford of the weekly student newspaper published every Tuesday.

Krombowitz adamantly defended her actions in a desperate attempt to rationalize her ludicrous behavior.

“I usually pick up the Torch at least once a week. I pretty much only read the weekly crime report then toss it in the trash, but it can usually hold my attention for at least a couple minutes,” Krombowitz said.

At press time, Krombowitz was seen chuckling at one of the Torch’s “On the Record” headlines before throwing away the whole issue in the wrong opening of the waste/recycling container near Starbucks.