SATIRE: Chalk outline

Scientist’s findings suggest link between sidewalk chalk and imminent doom

screen-shot-2016-09-28-at-8-22-08-amThe words “vote for Homecoming Royalty” have never looked more deadly, according to one scientist’s study.

Ecologist Vladimir Mustafar of the Environmental Science and Studies Association found a link between chalk artwork and environmental destruction in his latest experiment.

“I’ve found that once chalk is washed away by rain, it never leaves the Earth. It seeps into the groundwater, thus tainting the entire ecosystem. It’s just a downward spiral from there,” Mustafar said.

According to Mustafar’s findings, the groundwater reserves become toxic and flammable once exposed to chalk dust.

“In great enough quantities, I believe that the chalk will kill off all plant life. This of course will result in apocalyptic mass extinction and warring among the few stragglers left alive. The world will then be inherited by cockroaches, which will survive on all of the newly decomposing mounds of bodies,” Mustafar said.

Mustafar noted that college campuses like Ferris State were a hotbed for excessive chalk usage and as a result will be primary contributors to the downfall of us all.

The act of chalking is often utilized by people hoping to draw more sizable crowds to their resident student organization (RSO) or event—or more recently—by those vying for Homecoming Royalty votes.

“I just really wanted people to know about the unicycle club. I didn’t mean to bring about the end of times,” Ferris applied mathematics junior and Unicycle Club treasurer Alex Finklebum said.

“I hope winning the Royalty election was worth it, because now I have to go tell my daughter that she won’t see her next birthday. Good thing you chalked up the whole campus,” Mustafar said.

Mustafar recommends, “literally any other method,” to get the word out about an RSO or upcoming, superfluous election.

“If you’re considering chalking, then don’t. You’ll be killing us all,” Mustafar said.