SATIRE: North campus living

New residence hall to benefit future freshmen while inconveniencing literally everyone else

Most students have seen the construction on Ferris’ north campus and have begun to wonder how exactly the project will affect the campus as a whole.

The structure will be a new residence hall devoted to incoming freshmen beginning fall of 2017.

The immediate benefits are already being seen.

“I have to get to campus at least an hour before my class,” said Ferris biology sophomore Sandy Wich. “The complete lack of commuter parking has taught me a lot about time management in addition to the street-fighting skills I’ve picked up competeing for a spot. It’s making me a much more well-rounded individual.”

Ferris Vice President of Administration and Finance Jerry Scoby is one of the heads managing the new project.

“Our goal is really to inconveniece as many current, paying students as we can in an attempt to appeal to high schoolers with bad attitudes and their rich shitty parents,” Scoby said.

Perhaps the biggest impact, other than commuter parking, has been in regards to traffic flow.

“I really love how many more cars are driving past my house at 8 a.m. now,” said Big Rapids resident Marilyn Hopper. “It makes me feel much closer to the students at Ferris.”

Ferris marketing junior Micheala Brady eats lunch on north quad with her boyfriend a few days a week and the pair couldn’t be more excited to see the new building done.

“The noisy construction equipment and dirt flying everywhere has been nice, but I’m really looking forward to having a giant prismic building blocking out the sun,” Brady said.