SATIRE: Lol, oops

Ferris official admits to huge mistake

As we all know by the giant blank spot left on Ferris State’s southern landscape, the South Campus Apartments have been utterly demolished and their rubble removed. Apparently, these were supposed to remain standing.


“Actually,” said Ferris State Office of Demolition Chairman Stanley Mao, “it was supposed to be the East Campus Suites that were scheduled for a tear-down. This was an error on the part of the construction workers who couldn’t read a damn compass.”

One worker present refuted this claim wholeheartedly.

“That’s utter bull,” said construction foreman Red Penssil. “Not only did the compasses not work properly, but upon further analysis, they weren’t even compasses but rather drawings of compasses made in crayon.”

According to Mao, this additional error was again the fault of the workers.

“They couldn’t tell the difference between a compass and a child’s drawing?” Mao said. “What is this world coming to? We hired what we thought were the best and brightest in their trade. They had awesome reviews. We were once again entirely let down by Yelp.”

Mao’s disappointment with the contractors may have stemmed from their lack of experience.

“We’re not even on Yelp,” Penssil said. “We’re high school students. I’m 16 years old. I have absolutely no experience in construction or demolition. Mao paid us in FLITE library credits.”

Mao did not deny these allegations.

“Actually, I can’t believe that ploy worked,” Mao said. “There’s no such thing as library credits. Checking books out is free. Ha. Idiots.”

News of East Campus Suites’ destruction came as a surprise to many as the complex is not even five years old.

“We have to tear it down because it’s the wrong color,” Mao said. “The original plans called for something more of a mauve-ish beige. What was erected simply does not gel with the surrounding buildings. Plus, it’s about six inches too far to the left.”

East Campus Suites is scheduled, again, for a late November demolition, followed by further demolitions of the following structures:

– The Swan building

– Vandercook Hall

– The University Center

– The Music Center

– Cramer Hall

– At least two Subway restaurants

– The Muskegon River.

As for anybody occupying the previously listed facilities, Mao was vague about their future.

“Fuck ‘em,” Mao said.