SATIRE: Ask Woodbridge

Submit questions to for a chance to see Woodbridge N. Ferris give you personalized advice.
Submit questions to
for a chance to see Woodbridge N. Ferris give you personalized advice.

“I really like this guy, but he has a girlfriend. We are totally perfect together. Our horoscopes match, we like all the same stuff, etc. I have a huge crush on this guy, and I really want to be with him. He could totally be the one. How do I get this other girl out of the way?”

– Crazy in Love

Okay, well obviously you are crazy. Rule number one: guy has a girlfriend, it’s not gonna happen. Unless he’s a total douche bag and cheats on her. Either way, give up girl and get on some chill pills.

Of course, if they were to break up because there were horrible rumors of one cheating on the other, or even a tragic accident happened to the girl and you were there to pick up the pieces… well those circumstances are out of your control. You were just the loving and supportive girl who was there for him.

If you know what I mean.

– Woodbridge

“I found out my best friend from childhood has actually been lying about me behind my back to a guy I like that she introduced me to, and now he and all of his friends don’t talk to me or hang out anymore. She denied saying anything when I confronted her and said she’s still my ‘sister,’ but I don’t trust her anymore. What do I do, Woodbridge?”

– One Lestie Bestie

First off, dump that bitch’s ass. If you can’t trust her, she’s obviously not a friend. Go with your gut. Don’t put up with two-faced chronic liars, you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. This girl probably has a thing for that guy and was super insecure and saw you as a threat.

As for the guy, he’s stupid. If he couldn’t see through your former friend’s bullshit and see you for you, he’s not worth your time. He’ll probably end up alone the rest of his life anyway if this girl keeps sabotaging anyone else’s chance because she’s jealous.

You do you, boo-boo. You’re a strong, independent woman who don’t need no man. Karma will bite them in the butts one day. Of course, sometimes one does have to give karma a head-start.

– Woodbridge

“There’s this guy in my FSUS class that I’m totally crushing on. How do I—”

– Nervous Nancy

SHUT UP. This is not a real problem. I’m done answering this question.

– Woodbridge