Aries: March 21-April 19
You might as well eat that extra slice of cake. You’re going to Hell for your unholy ways anyway. If you’re going down, you should go down happy, tubby.
Taurus: April 20-May 20
Your mom will soon marry a homeless man with no teeth. Wait, maybe your mom IS a homeless man with no teeth. The stars are kind of uncertain there.
Gemini: May 21-June 20
Gemini is the star sign of the twins, so it’s reasonable for you to wonder why you don’t have one. It’s because you ate him in the womb. Turns out, you were a horrible person from the start.
Cancer: June 21-July 22
Your parents only sent you away to college so they could have sex in your old room.
Leo: July 23-Aug. 22
All of your friends from high school are getting married or moving into their own house and you’re sitting around reading this shit. Nice life choices, champ.
Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22
He’s not going to call.
Libra: Sept. 23-Oct.22
He is going to call! And by “he,” the stars mean the murderer. OH GOD HE’S CALLING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!
Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov.21
Now is a good time to let go of the past and leave your regrets behind. You’ll soon make plenty of other horrible decisions to dwell on.
Sagittarius: Nov.22-Dec. 21
The emergence of Jupiter in your system suggests that you’ll get more stupider, whereas your peers will go to college to get more knowledge.
Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan.19
You will enjoy a rich and rewarding sex life with the partner of your dreams. Though, neither of you will enjoy it as much as the guy across the street who owns a pair of binoculars.
Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18
Keep your drink covered next time you’re out partying. Not because you’re going to get drugged, but because the common cold knows no mercy.
Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20
Your girlfriend’s ex has a way bigger penis than you. She doesn’t miss him but she does miss it.