SATIRE: Ask Woodbridge

“I have to confess this—anonymously, of course. I have a problem. It is so severe that I must ask for help. I have talked about it at length with family and friends, but I think I’m finally ready to ask your advice, Woodbridge. Hopefully you can help me. I’m ad-.”

– Wordy Williams

The awkward moment when you reach the character limit before you actually ask your question… Okay fine, that’s not what happened. I just got so sick of you droning on and on. I’m not offering advice if you can’t hold my interest for more than seven seconds.

– Woodbridge

“My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost six months. We bonded because we decided to stop smoking cigarettes at the same time. Cool, right? But lately, every night around 11:30 p.m. when she comes to bed, she always smells like Axe body spray and stale cotton candy. Now I’m usually in bed by 11 p.m., but I can smell those scents coming from a group of guys outside the window. What do you think is happening here? Is she cheating on me, on her attempts to quit smoking or both?”

– Smokeless in Seattle

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you might as well give up on that relationship. The good news is that your girlfriend has not gone back to cigarettes. The bad news is that it’s much worse. Your girlfriend is vaping. And it sounds like she’s doing it with freshmen. You should recognize the smell of a seventh grade locker room anywhere, and know that only freshmen boys would think it makes them more desirable to college-aged females.

She’s not necessarily cheating on you, but she might as well be with how heinous the act is. Vaping is gross in general, but doing it behind your back then kissing you goodnight with that rancid fruity breath is crossing a line.

Now I know that this is not easy information to just accept, so I’ll give you a mission. Go grab yourself something to eat and make it back by 11 p.m. Walk the long way to your room past the odorous group and check around for your girlfriend. Tell her I said hello! Then dump her ass before she drags you into the abyss that is #VapeNation.

– Woodbridge