Aries: March 21-April 19
He loves you. He loves you not. He loves you. He loves you not. He loves you not. He loves you not. He loves you not. It just isn’t going to happen.
Gemini: May 21-June 20
You’ve had something stuck in your teeth for the past three days. The stars are begging you to invest in some floss.
Cancer: June 21-July 22
Clear your search history before it’s too late. There’s no coming back from, “is 1.8 inches flaccid normal size?”
Leo: July 23-Aug. 22
It’s a bad time to get a haircut. In fact, you should probably just stop grooming all together. Embrace the stench.
Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22
If you don’t forward this to at least 10 people within the next 24 hours you’ll die in your sleep and/or never find true love.
Libra: Sept. 23-Oct.22
Libra is the sign of justice. Unfortunately, the American justice system can be cruel. Have fun in prison.
Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov.21
Ah, Scorpio the scorpion. Do scorpions bite, sting or pinch people they don’t like? Let us know when you’re attacked by one later this week.
Sagittarius: Nov.22-Dec. 21
You’ll soon have a notable run in with a Capricorn. And by that, we mean you’ll run one over with your car.
Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan.19
You will be the one to get run over by the Sagittarius. Wear a helmet or something.
Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18
She lied about being on the pill. Get out of there, man!
Taurus: April 20-May 20
The stars say they don’t care anymore. All Taurus’ are just a bunch of phonies, anyway. They’re all just corpses marching to their graves. *Emo hair flip.*
Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20
You know that Harry Chapin song “Cats in the Cradle?” Y’know the really sad one about the father not having time for his son, then eventually the son doesn’t have time for his dad later in life? Call your parents. Do it now.