Aries: March 21-April 19
You will get an incurable, oozing rash through contact with this newspaper (or keyboard if you’re reading electronically).
Taurus: April 20-May 20
You might as well eat that extra slice of cake. You’re going to Hell for your unholy ways anyway. If you’re going down, you should go down happy, tubby.
Gemini: May 21-June 20
You will enjoy a rich and rewarding sex life with the partner of your dreams. Though, neither of you will enjoy it as much as the guy across the street who owns a pair of binoculars.
Cancer: June 21-July 22
You’re a special snowflake! Sure, there are 7.125 billion people that also live on this planet, but not all of them survived a botched nose job like you did.
Leo: July 23-Aug. 22
No matter how hard you work in school or how successful you are in your career, you’ll still be the fattest person at your high school reunion.
Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22
Your dreams of stardom will come true when you appear on the evening news after a heroin junkie lights you on fire.
Libra: Sept. 23-Oct.22
The company of your dreams will pass on you for the internship in favor of someone way hotter.
Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov.21
The condom in your wallet is about to expire, but it’s okay because you’re not getting laid any time soon anyway.
Sagittarius: Nov.22-Dec. 21
The stars don’t find you worthy of their prophecies.
Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan.19
A couple of guys who are up to no good will start making trouble in your neighborhood. You’ll get in one little fight and your mom will get scared, so you’ll be sent to live with your Auntie and Uncle in Bel-Air.
Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18
A new opportunity will present itself and excite you. Just remember, autoerotic asphyxiation can be dangerous for rookies.
Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20