SATIRE: Double life

Unimpressive student struggles to keep track of lies he told relatives on Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a time for family, reflection and shamefully lying to those you love and/or visit twice a year for major holidays.

Ferris marketing junior Billy Buzzbuns is just one of many unimpressive Ferris students who chose to lie to his family rather than admit his shortcomings over the holiday break.

“At first I was just going to lie about having a girlfriend. I was so sick of hearing that question over and over again each year. I mean, I’m fishing so just waiting on the right girl to bite and I’m optimistic. I figured it was only a matter of time,” Buzzbuns said. “Then it just got out of hand.”

Buzzbuns’ extended family also inquired about the state of his grades, expected graduation date and whether or not he had secured an internship yet.

“Okay, so maybe my stats professor has a different perception of my grade in his class than my aunt who I lied to. What Dr. Foose doesn’t know won’t hurt him,” Buzzbuns said.

At press time, Buzzbuns’ was teetering on the edge of falling to a C- in STQM 260 and had just been notified by his adviser that he’ll need to take on a fifth year of classes to earn his degree.

“I’m close to nailing down an internship, so that was more of just a little white lie,” Buzzbuns said. “I’ve Googled a couple of places around Detroit that take interns sometimes, so I’m just getting ready to make some calls to make it official.”

Nearly everything Buzzbuns told his family between Nov. 23-27 was a lie, yet his family has nothing but praise for him.

“We’re all very proud of Billy,” Buzzbuns’ 74-year-old grandma Doris Bradley said. “At first I was worried when he said he changed his major to become an astronaut/lawyer/pharmacist, but I put those doubts aside when he said he had straight-A’s. He’s such a bright young man and his totally real girlfriend sure is lucky!”

While Buzzbuns escaped another holiday without letting down his extended family, he’s now tasked with keeping track of all the lies he told so as to not reveal his true disappointments.

“I’m just hoping that my grandma finally kicks the bucket before grades are finalized this winter,” Buzzbuns said.