SATIRE: Horror-scopes

Aries: March 21-April 19
The next time you decide to sing in your shower, your roommates will decide to cut out your larynx while you sleep.

Taurus: April 20-May 20
Those that fall under the Taurus sign were conceived in missionary position, and are therefore boring and vanilla.

Gemini: May 21-June 20
You’ll be just one of about 10,000 students at Ferris’ Big Rapids campus to fall on your ass on the way to class today.

Cancer: June 21-July 22
Your irrationally inflated sense of self importance will make it difficult for you to notice that nobody cares about your opinion and you’ve got awful breath.

Leo: July 23-Aug. 22
Your sign may be a lion, but you are like the cowardly version. Your lack of courage means that person you’ve been wanting to go out with will be asked out by someone else, and you will forever be friend-zoned.

Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22
The next guy who comes into the bathroom will take the urinal right next to you, take a peek and be unimpressed. This feeling will change to revolt as he sees you leave without washing your hands.

Libra: Sept. 23-Oct.22
You are so focused on getting perfect grades that you will never sleep. No sleep means mental capacities are lacking, which means no perfect grades. Oops.

Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov.21
You will wake up late and miss your first class, eventually leading to the downfall of us all.

Sagittarius: Nov.22-Dec. 21
You will hold the door for someone walking just far enough behind you to make the encounter intensely awkward, eventually leading to the downfall of us all.

Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan.19
Every time you sneeze you’ll pee a little bit, eventually leading to the downfall of us all.

Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18
Your next attempt at flirting will be thwarted by an accidental—yet perfectly placed—punch in the genitals.

Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20
Pisces will be in pieces. There’s a lot of ice and not a lot of salt. Slip and you will shatter.