SATURE: Ask Woodbridge

Tire Fire photo

“Dear Woodbridge, I’ve been dating this guy for a few months and things are going pretty well. He’s sweet, he’s a good listener and he is always there when I need him to be. My roommate’s cat died and he baked her cookies for crying out loud. I’m afraid our relationship isn’t exciting enough, though. We have chemistry, but in the past I’ve always been more attracted to the “bad-boy” type. My question is: is there such a thing as being too nice?”

          – Mrs. Too-Nice Guy

Listen here, bitch, I don’t know if you’re naïve or just plain stupid, but guys like that don’t come along every millennia.

Do you know how many women would give their left tit to have a guy—a college-aged guy no less—that doesn’t play games and genuinely cares about them? Would you prefer to fight all the time? Do you want him to ignore you for days on end? I bet you’d love for him to make passive-aggressive comments about what you eat or how often you work out?

Ya know what? Maybe you should move on. Look for someone more exciting. I mean, clearly all your past relationships with the “bad-boys” have been super successf—oh wait.

You shut your mouth and hold onto that boy like grim death. Too nice? Are you kidding me?


“Woodbridge my mom is a total psycho. She’s been calling and texting me CONSTANTLY even though I’ve been ‘out of the nest’ for months. I don’t think I can deal with this level of clinginess. I don’t want to hurt her feelings or anything, but how do I let her know that I’m just way too busy to talk to her every single night?”

            – Nate Needs Space

You have two options here. Giving in to her whims and speaking to her regularly is probably the choice that’s more likely to keep you out of Hell. After all, she squeezed your entire existence out of her birthing canal, and may have required stitches as a result. She probably deserves some slack. However, you’ve gotta cut that umbilical cord eventually, because that shit can get old real quick.

But if you’re going to ignore your mother, you can’t do it halfway. You have to dip out of society entirely. Fake your own death using pig’s blood for aesthetic then head to the woods. You’d better establish a good base camp because relieving yourself outside is your life now. Have a good time, you ungrateful prick.